1. Do Not Touch a police officer. You’ll definitely want to keep your hands to yourself unless your immediate plans include new dental work, a visit to the ER, and a fitting for new black and white striped wearing apparel.

2. Do Not Touch an officer’s gun. See above, but include an abundance of Maglight-induced knots on your head.

3. Do Not Spit on a police officer. See 1 and 2, but include tears … yours.

4. Do Not Urinate inside a police officer’s car. See 1, 2, and 3, but add bloodshed … yours.

5. Do Not Throw Things at police officers. See 1, 2, 3, and 4, but add the surgical removal of the officer’s shiny shoe from the part of you where the sun doesn’t shine.

6. Do Not Run from the police. If they have to chase you they’re bringing a butt-whuppin’ to the party.

7. Do Not Touch a police dog. See 5 above, but replace “shoe” with K-9 teeth.

8. Do Not Make Jokes about the officer’s mother, wife, or kids. If so, expect to not see your own mother, wife, or kids for the next 5-10 years, except during Sunday visits.

9. Do Not Tell officers that you pay their salaries. See 6 above. The butt-whuppin’ in this case is for officers not receiving a pay increase for the past 10 years. And, prior to your startling announcement they didn’t know where to take their complaints. So thanks for taking one for the team, Sparky.

10. Finally, unless you have a line they haven’t heard before, keep them to yourself.

You know the ones …

  • Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?
  • I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
  • Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to operate a spatula and/or a milkshake machine?

Pig Chef

  • Hey, you do realize that if I was doing 97 mph then so were you, so write yourself a ticket.
  • I was speeding so I could get back to your mother. She misses me.
  • What are going to be when you grow up?
  • Your breath smells like donuts.

Note – Obviously this post is intended as a tongue-in-cheek bit of humor. The information above is fictional, unless you were there and have video evidence to prove otherwise. If not, it’s fictional. Really, it is. Maybe.

4 replies
  1. Gina
    Gina says:

    Yeah, I was going to ask about that, Lee. Being fictional, I mean. When I attended the Pittsburgh Citizens’ Police Academy, we were told repeatedly that police are required to follow an escalating scale of force proportionate to what they are reacting to.

    • Lee Lofland
      Lee Lofland says:

      Yes, officers are trained to use only the amount of force required at the moment of arrest, etc. However, this does not mean they stand there and go toe-to-toe with bad guys. Officers must make the arrest (can’t simply let people go because they’re stronger or tougher). Therefore, they’re permitted go a step beyond the amount of force being used by the suspect. The cuffs must go on and the criminal must be taken into custody. And the officer MUST survive the encounter.

      The above article was meant to be a humorous piece. A bit of satire, even.

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