It’s certainly no secret that jail and prison food can be absolutely disgusting. Therefore, it is also no surprise when prisoners take it upon themselves to upgrade the quality of their daily cuisine.
They do so by using items purchased from the commissary, a few ingredients stolen from the kitchen (kitchen workers earn extra money by pilfering food to sell to fellow inmates), from prison/jail gardens and, if they’re lucky, someone smuggles something in from the outside that’s really good, such as real meat.
By the way, most of the food items smuggled from the kitchen are concealed inside the pants of the workers. Officers often tend to skip the crotch area when conducting pat-downs, so yes, that delicious piece of leftover cake or chicken breast was once, well … right “there.” Yum …
Prison culinary pros use only the best of cooking tools, such as a sharpened vegetable can lid (one edge folded over for safe gripping), used for slicing, dicing, and chopping. Lids are honed to a fine edge by rubbing across a concrete surface. They’re actually quite sharp, sharp enough to glide through a tomato with ease. They’re also sharp enough to slice human flesh with equal ease.
Plastic garbage bags can be used for steaming and boiling, and in place of microwavable bowls.
Most commissaries sell microwavable bowls but some prisoners cannot afford such luxuries, so they cut 4-6 inches off the bottom of a plastic bucket and it serves nicely as a microwavable cooking bowl.
Five gallon bucket bottoms of various heights and depths make excellent pots for cooking stews, soups, and pasta, as well as being utilized as nice serving containers for large groups—birthday, holiday, or Super Bowl and “release eve” parties.
An 8″-10″ bucket bottom with multiple holes drilled through are fantastic colanders. For an even better product, simply cut a slot on each side to serve as handles to prevent the burning and steaming of fingers.
If the facility does not provide microwaves or, if you’re confined to a cell without access to a microwave, well, you’ll have to be a bit more creative, such as perhaps using a stinger to generate heat.
Stingers are used to heat liquid and/or boil water
A stinger is a device made from electrical wire and two metal objects, such as razor blades, spoons, forks, or even parts from fingernail clippers.
So, what sort of dishes are concocted from these piecemeal ingredients and crude cookware? Well, for starters …
- One bag of plain corn chips
- One bag of spicy hot chips – Cheetos, Doritos, etc.,
- Hot water – (only the amount needed to transform mixture into a thick mush/paste)
- Hot sauce
- Place all chips into one chip bag
- Mash/crush/pulverize the chips
- Add just enough hot water to transform mixture into a thick mush/paste
- Knead mixture well
- Drain excess water, if any
- With mixture/dough still inside chip bag, mold into shape of a tamale
- Let “tamale” “cook” (let it stand for 5 minutes or so).
- Remove tamale and top with hot sauce
Spicy Tuna Surprise
- One can of tuna
- A hunk of stolen kitchen cheese
- One package of Ramen noodles (flavor is optional)
- Jalapeños – stolen from kitchen, jail garden, or purchased from commissary
- Break noodles into smaller pieces
- Cook noodles per package instructions (add hot water heated with stinger)
- Drain tuna and then place it into a bowl
- Top tuna with jalapeño slices/wheels
- Add cheese crumbles or slices
- Mix seasoning packet into steaming hot noodles
- Top dish with prepared noodles
- When cheese has melted to desired consistency … enjoy
The Spread – Serving large groups—parties, social gatherings, etc. By the way, it’s a sign of respect to invite someone to join in on a spread.
- Top Ramen Soup (one package per guest)
- The kitchen sink – whatever you want to add—tuna, corn chips, chicken pieces, summer sausage, popcorn, etc.
- Place noodles and spice mixes inside a plastic garbage bag
- Add any and all other ingredients of your choosing (see list above). Be creative
- Add enough hot water to “cook” the entire dish into the consistency of a casserole.
- Tightly close the garbage bag and allow mixture to “cook”
- When done, cover a tabletop with a newspaper or similar item and “spread out the ingredients.”
- Everyone uses a spoon to dig in and share this delicious “spread.”
Sweet and Sour Pork
This one is basically disgusting. It’s made by combining pork rinds, the kind sold in bags like chips and Cheetos, with a sauce made from jelly, Kool Aid, and one Top Ramen seasoning packet. Yum.
Dessert – Homemade Convict Cake
Water (as needed)
Start by disassembling the Oreo cookies, then scrape off the white center goo, setting it aside for later use.
Next, crush the chocolate cookies into tiny particles. The smaller the better.
Mix the cookie dust with water until it transforms into a a paste-like consistency
Mold the “dough” into cake layers.
Spread the leftover white gunk across the top of the cake. It is the “icing on the cake.”
Peanut butter may be substituted for the Oreo white stuff. Or, the two may be used together.
Top the cake with M&Ms.
Just like Mom used to make!