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Veterans Day: A Tribute by The Oak Ridge Boys

“Sometimes she finds him weeping
As he lay there in his bed
The distant sounds of battle
Still echo in his head”

The Oak Ridge Boys ~ G.I. Joe and Lillie


Thank you, Veterans. I am forever grateful. Thank you, too, Oaks, for your unyielding support and love for our country and for the brave men and women in uniform.

 

The 38th parallel, where perhaps 1 million soldiers faced each other across an area boobytrapped with over a million land mines, was the line drawn in the sand during the Korean War. Cross it and a soldier could quickly die in a hail of bullets.

My Uncle Pete (left) was there in the 1950s, stationed just across the 38th parallel. During his entire 26-year career in the U.S. Army, the time he served in Korea was possibly one of the worst times of his life.

Recently, Uncle Pete told Denene and me about standing guard at night, hearing the enemy soldiers on the other side of “the line,” yelling, firing their weapons, and banging on things, an effort to prevent sleep for our soldiers. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, groups of them charged across the line, firing their rifles and pistols in short bursts aimed at the U.S. soldiers. Then they’d run back from where they came. This occurred night after night after night.

He told of having very little to eat except rice. Rice, rice, rice, and more rice. After he left Korea he swore he’d never touch rice again. Just the thought of it turns his stomach.

He recalled nights when soldiers were forced to burn drums of alcohol to keep warm during -60 degree temperatures. They’d remain huddled around those barrels, moving away only to start the tanks every thirty minutes to prevent the grease in the gun turrets from freezing solid. If that happened the tanks would only fire once since the frozen grease would prevent recoil of the tanks’ gun barrels.

He told war tales that would curl the toughest and straightest of toes. Then he switched to stories about other assignments around the world, from different bases where he was stationed throughout his career. His favorites were in Germany and a long term serving at the Pentagon in Washington D.C.

Back then, he said, D.C. was a fun city and his job at the Pentagon was quite rewarding.

On January 20, 1961, Uncle Pete was one of the sixteen thousand U.S. soldiers who marched along Pennsylvania Avenue in President John F. Kennedy’s inaugural parade. It was a proud moment for him when he passed the reviewing stand, seeing out of the corner of his eye, President Kennedy; First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy; the President’s parents Rose Kennedy and Joseph P. Kennedy Sr.; Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson; and Lady Bird Johnson and other dignitaries. He also received an invitation to the president’s inaugural ball. This was a high point in my uncle’s life.

But there were times when things in Washington weren’t so rosy.

In November of 1963, Uncle Pete again marched as a soldier along D.C. streets for President Kennedy. This time, though, the march was for President Kennedy’s funeral procession after he was assassinated.

My uncle has seen and done a lot in his day. He’s been “there” when times were tough, and he’s been practically on top of the world.  He’s a fighter. Always has been.

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Chicken Feet, Grave Robbers, and Safety Tips for Kids and Grownups

I’ve seen a few oddities over the years, especially during Halloween, the night when both kids and adults dress up as their favorite characters. It’s also a night that a few ghoulish folks believe is the perfect time to commit the usual plethora of crimes ranging from petty theft to murder. But there’s one Halloween crime from my old case files that stands out a bit from the rest and, as always, I have to tell the story. I do so, as irritating and long-winded as it may be, to help you with details for your own writing. As they say, you can’t make this stuff up and believe me, I read a lot and I write a lot, and most of what I see in fiction doesn’t compare to, well, this …

It was late one Halloween night, after costumed trick-or-treaters were long back at home gorging themselves on sugary treats—M&Ms, Whoppers, mini candy bars, Lemonheads, Candy Corn, and Skittles—when I knocked on Miss Evelyn’s front door, a wide plank of weathered wood with rusty strap hinges.

Through the square glass near the top of the door I saw a small slice of yellow light that started in a backroom to my left and stretched across the narrow hallway floor where it disappeared into another room on the righthand side of the passageway.

At the sound of my door-rapping, a figure moved across the light, first one way and then back.

While waiting for the owner of the shadow to respond to my presence, I had a look around the porch. Nothing unusual … a one-gallon vegetable can (absent its label) filled with sand and topped with a handful of cigarette butts, a rickety old rocking chair, five plastic flower pots with each containing the remnants of some sort of unidentifiable plant—all dead, dried up, and crispy—, a well-worn green cloth sofa, and a portable radio that was missing a knob.

A foil-wrapped coat hanger poked up from a hole in the top of the radio’s plastic casing. It replaced the former antenna that, at some point, had broken off and was either lost or discarded as trash. Either way, the radio, in it’s present condition, had been there for as long as I could remember.

And, as always, smack-dab in the center of the front door were three fairly fresh chicken feet that were tied together at their bloody stumps with a piece of bright red twine. The collection of gnarly toes and bony knuckles dangled from a bent 4d finishing nail.

Chicken feet, according to Miss Evelyn, bring good luck and, as a bonus, they also prevented evil spirts from crossing the threshold. Nope, nothing odd at all … for Miss Evelyn. The porch “decor” hadn’t changed in all the years I’d gone there. Not a thing.

I knocked again. She yelled from the back of the house. “Just a minute!”

I’d met Miss Evelyn after arresting a man for burglary and, while searching his pockets for weapons and other illegal items, I discovered a small flannel pouch tucked inside his wallet. I figured the contents could possibly be drugs, probably marijuana or hash, or something of that nature, so I asked the kid to level with me so I’d know what to expect.

I was surprised to hear him say that what I held in my hand was not was I’d suspected. Instead, he said, it was his “medicine bag,” a ground up mixture of chicken bones, tobacco, human hair, and herbs. Its purpose was to keep him safe. This was my first contact with a medicine bag. However, it was far from the last.

Root doctors make medicine bags containing plant and animal matter, such as human or animal bone, sage, garlic, and even dirt from a grave. The purpose of the bag is, for example, to provide safety, heal and prevent illness, and to help ignite or halt romances, etc. Another practically endless list.

This young burglar purchased his bag from Miss Evelyn, a local root doctor. Since this was a totally new experience for me, I decided to pay this so-called root doctor a visit. And, long story shortened a bit, Miss Evelyn “knew all and saw all” and she soon became one of my most reliable informants.

Her customer base was massive and many were criminals, so I basically kept her on speed dial. I also dropped off the occasional gift—a turkey or ham at Christmas, or a turkey in liquid form (Wild Turkey bourbon), her preference, as a sign of my appreciation.

This particular Halloween night a young man, Miss Evelyn’s nephew, answered the door and led me to the kitchen where his aunt stood at the head of six-chair red formica-topped table, hard at work assembling her latest batch of medicine bags and other concoctions. Behind her, a large black kettle was at full boil on the wood stove. A foul-smelling steam wafted my way. I didn’t ask.

If I had to guess I’d say Miss Evelyn weighed at a pound or two over a hundred pounds. She was so thin that the blood vessels on her arms and hands were visible and looked like someone had draped a squirming knot of skinny earthworms there, much like hanging tinsel on a Christmas tree.

As always when “working” tiny pearls of sweat peppered her forehead. Her fingernails were bitten to the quick. She wore a simple and faded housedress that was three sizes too big, a Winnie the Pooh apron, age-yellowed white socks, and pink Flip-Flops with the rubber thong jamming a wad of white sock material between the first and second toes of each foot.

When she smiled it became instantly obvious that dentists were not a part of her clientele, nor had she ever, not once, crossed the threshold of any tooth doctor’s office. Her breath smelled like a rotting animal carcass, an even worse scent than the pungent odor emanating from the pot on the stove.

Miss Evelyn was quirky, to say the least, and she was one of the nicest people I’d ever met.

I’d gone there that particular night to see if Evelyn could offer any insight about two bodies that had been dug up in a local cemetery. The vaults had been damaged and the caskets broken open. The grave-robbers took the same thing from each coffin—bones from the lower right arms and hands.

She said she’d heard about a couple who used human bones as part of their religious rituals. Before exhuming remains, though, they had sex atop the grave sites.

Coincidentally, the man and woman visited Miss Evelyn earlier in the night to ask if she knew where they could get heir hands on a fresh corpse because, in order to complete their ritual, they needed blood and they knew that to get it they’d need to reach a body prior to embalming. Well, Evelyn was having no parts of their nonsense and sent them on their way. And that was the purpose of my visit. Miss Evelyn called me the second the grave robbers left her house.

I finally caught up with the couple when I discovered their car parked near a funeral home. They’d planned to break in to steal someone’s dearly departed loved one. Fortunately, we stopped them before they committed the act.

So you see, folks, bizarre and morbid and spooky crime does not always come in the form of murder. Nor are the macabre criminals always the odd characters who reside at the spooky house at the end of the street.

This particular couple, the grave robbers, were as normal as your neighbors. Both were professionals with public jobs. They lived in a typical neighborhood and drove a normal car. However, the contents of their trunk was a bit different than most—shovels, picks, tools for prying open caskets, and a few human and animal bones scattered about. Other than that … as typical as you and I.

Well, perhaps we’re are not the best examples of normal, but you get the idea …

 

Bonus Section

Halloween Safety Tips For All – You, Your Kids, and Police Officers

 

Halloween Safety Tips For Kids and Grownups

  • – Avoid costumes that greatly reduce visibility or are too dark for motorists to see. Apply face paint instead. It’s safer than bulky masks.
  • Plan the route you and your children will take well in advance. Tell someone else about those plans and what time you’ll return home.
  • Stick to well-lit areas.
  • Attach reflective tape to costumes.
  • Use fire-resistant materials in costumes.
  • Carry a flashlight or glow stick, but not a lighted candle. Candles are burn hazards.
  • Trick-or-treat in groups, accompanied by at least one adult.
  • Attach kid’s names, address, and phone number to their clothes in case they become separated from adults.
  • Teach children to exit and enter vehicles from curbside, away from traffic.
  • Stay on sidewalks as much as possible, and cross at corners. Do not walk between parked cars. Always look both ways before crossing.
  • Children should not eat candy while out, until an adult examines it. Candy should not show signs of improper sealing, punctures, or holes.
  • Do not allow children into apartment buildings unless accompanied by an adult, and only visit homes with outside lighting.
  • Residents should remove obstacles and trip hazards, such as tools, ladders, and toys from their sidewalks, porches and front yards.
  • Keep lighted jack-o-lanterns away from porches or other areas where they could ignite a low-hanging costume.
  • Do NOT allow your kids to carry any toy gun as part of their costume, especially those toys that look like the real thing, even if the tips of the barrels are painted orange. The orange color doesn’t show well at night, if at all.

Halloween Safety Tips For Officers

Working as a police officer on Halloween poses special challenges. Think about it. In a world where someone wearing a mask is normally thought to be up to no good, you’re suddenly faced with scores of masked citizens. Kids are out and about darting in and out of traffic. They’re excited and and may not listen as well as they normally would, or should. And practical jokes often go horribly wrong. Needless to say, it can be a wild and trying night for cops.

Here’s a short list of tips for officers working the streets on one of their busiest nights of the year.

1. Stay alert. If it looks wrong, then it probably is.

2. Carry copies of outstanding warrants in your patrol vehicle—the people you’ve been unable to locate. This is the one night when the dummies will probably answer the door thinking you’re a trick-or-treater.

3. Carry candy in your patrol car. It’s the perfect time to show kids that you’re really one of the good guys.

4. Watch out for lone costumed adults, or those walking in groups. They’re probably up to no good.

5. Watch out for people tossing things from overpasses. For some reason, Halloween seems to be THE night to bomb police cars with bricks, rocks, eggs, and pumpkins.

6. Be alert for kids and adults who wear actual guns as part of their costumes.

7. Park your patrol car and walk for a while. Mingle with the trick-or-treaters. Keep them safe. It also keeps the bad guys guessing your next move. Besides, it’s a good idea to mix things up. Patrol your areas in a different order. Never allow yourself to fall into a set routine (this goes for the rest of the year, too).

8. Drive slower than normal and keep your eyes on the roadways. Watch for kids!

9. Keep an eye on the registered sex offenders in your area. They aren’t allowed to pass out candy nor should they open the door for children. And they shouldn’t have Halloween decorations displayed in their yard or on the house. Pay them a pre-Halloween visit to remind them of their court-ordered restrictions, if needed. No need to harass, but it’s often best to be proactive.

10. I preferred to patrol with my car window down, even in the winter time. Halloween is the only night of the year when I didn’t. Too many flying objects!

11. If possible, have extra officers working the streets on foot, in plain clothes.

12. Bring plenty of extra handcuffs. You’ll probably need them before the night is over.

13. Please, please, please wear your vest!

And, to you and yours …

Happy Halloween!

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Madam Zelda’s Top 14 Predictions for 2019

Each year on the last day of December I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.

So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us this morning and she’s confident 2019 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top fourteen predictions. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.

Here goes …

  1. California will enact new law requiring all laws to be law, unless exceptions and exemptions are needed to make the law a bit less lawful to avoid hurting the feelings of criminals.
  2. California police officers will no longer have powers of arrest. Instead, their new duty is to be the punching bags of politicians and criminals, which are often one and the same. Can’t tell them apart …
  3. Due to the large number of people now residing in California, the government will be forced to divide the land mass into two separate states—Regular California and the State of Homelessness.
  4. Since defecating on the streets and public sidewalks in San Francisco is legal, plumbing will be officially banned and become obsolete in California. Roto-Rooter will file for bankruptcy.
  5. San Francisco plumbers will assume lead roles in a newly formed San Francisco Department of Public Crapping, the SFDPC. Some spots will be filled by former Roto-Rooter employees.
  6. A murder will occur in Baltimore, D.C., and Chicago.
  7. Someone will cross the border from Mexico and the U.S. and someone will do the same in the opposite direction.
  8. Politicians will have better health care than the people who elected them into office.
  9. Someone will “sling mud” in an upcoming run for political office.
  10. Straw purchases take on a new meaning in California.
  11. Someone will believe everything they see on social media.
  12. A writer will have a character smell cordite at a crime scene.
  13. I will absolutely lose my mind when I see number 12 in a book.
  14. A BIG announcement is forthcoming. Madam Zelda believes it has something to do with “After Midnight.”
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Thank You, Dear Friends: 2018, a Super Tough Year, is Almost Behind Me

Today marks the end of another year. This one was especially turbulent for me and my family. But above all the bad, of course, came the filling of most of the top portion of a half-empty glass.

As many of you know, both my mother-in-law and our daughter, Ellen, were each diagnosed with serious cancer. They underwent surgeries, a couple each, and they received chemo and radiation.

Our daughter’s primary physician initially mis-diagnosed her troubles, telling her several times during several visits, to deal with the intense pain and other horrible issues, and told her to take Tylenol. He also dismissed obvious signs and symptoms as nothing more than “female problems.” In the meantime, and I won’t go into detail, but she lived a life of crying and moaning while doubled over from excruciating pain, while experiencing an agonizing and extremely anemic hell, for more than a year.

Then, fortunately, she visited a specialist for an entirely different issue. It took him only a minute or two to realize that his patient was in serious trouble and had her rushed to a local hospital for immediate, emergency surgery. Her condition, the troubles dismissed by the original doctor, were life-threatening. Thank goodness the specialist recognized the deadly disease symptoms because we learned that the surgery likely saved her life, that very day.

Then came the cancer diagnosis

During the emergency surgery, doctors discovered the disease, and it didn’t look good. Had the primary care physician performed any sort of typical exam for the type of problem he would have caught the cancer a year earlier. A FULL year sooner.

The oncologist overseeing Ellen’s condition decided to approach with a full-on super-aggressive attack. She wasn’t messing around. Chemo and radiation were started right away and, as a result of the intensity of the regimen, the powerful treatments took a huge toll on Ellen’s body and mind and emotions, as well as ruining her family financially. As a result, they’re struggling to meet even the basic human needs—food, clothing, utilities, and shelter.

The Hurricane

Next came the hurricane, a storm that devastated her city and community. Homes just down the road from Ellen’s house were destroyed by wind and water. Fortunately, Ellen’s home is still standing, but it received damage from heavy rains and floodwaters, damage that included ruining their septic system. They now use a pump to drain the bathtub and sinks and there’s a Port-a-John situated at the end of their driveway. This is how a cancer patient, who’s in pain most of the day, must live. Still, her faith is strong and prayer helps her go about her daily life.

Ellen applied for and was denied public assistance. Disability was also denied. In the meantime, Ellen’s husband’s work hours have been cut as result of company shutdowns of related factories. The cost of medication alone is more than their monthly income. The hospital forgives some of the expenses, and many of you contributed to Ellen’s GoFundMe campaign (please click here to contribute), as well as a few of extremely generous private contributions (no amount is too small). But those dollars are gone and bills still arrive and the medication is ongoing, some for life. By the way, Ellen and I are extremely appreciative for your assistance. I’m forever grateful and will never forget it.

My mother-in-law continues regular doses of chemo. Her surgeon and I chatted, in private, immediately after operation and he said her situation was not great. But, what he didn’t know is that, despite her years, Denene’s mom is a strong, independent woman. Cancer and the life-changing, body-altering surgeries were nothing more than a bump in the road for her. She took it all in stride and pushed forward.

Like Ellen, her faith is strong and she relies on prayer to guide her way. Her family is close and devoted to one another.

As soon as she was able Denene’s mother returned to a fairly normal lifestyle, including yard work, hairdresser appointments, shopping trips and, of course, going to church on a regular basis. She drives to her chemo appointments with the company of a friend. She’s tough.

Ellen and my mother-in-law are fighters. They’re strong. And they’re survivors.

Ellen’s last scan showed she’s cancer free. Not pain and sickness and emotionally free, but cancer free. It’s a miracle we didn’t see coming.

At her last scan, my mother-in-law’s results showed her cancer had reduced in size. Still serious, but less of it and what’s there is smaller. They recently  increased the dosage of her ongoing chemo. Hopefully, we’ll soon learn that she, too is cancer free.

The Gifts

Many of you contributed books and other reading material, and gifts, and prayers throughout these ordeals. Those things meant the world to Ellen and my mother-in-law. They helped them escape the world for a little while each day. They’re both avid readers and thoroughly enjoyed the books, and other things. Ellen told me that she often read a book in a single day. The stories took her away from it all for a while.

The Fires

During all of the above, we, while living in California, we were forced to evacuate our home due to one of the huge wildfires. We watched as the smoke began to rise over the hills in front of our house. A day later ash piled on my vehicle and in the yard and on walkways. The air grew thick and smelled like a water-dampened campfire. Then we saw the sky turn orange and soon the flames reached into the sky above the golden, dry hills.

We loaded our valuables and important papers and fled to an area out of the evacuation zone. A former co-worker of Denene’s owns a very nice condo located in a city near where we lived and she gave us the key and told us to stay as long as we needed. We had no idea if our home would be standing when we returned. Fortunately, it was. The threat of fire continued throughout the entirety of last summer, with many communities near us being totally destroyed. People lost their lives, including firefighters.

The Hip

Meanwhile, my left hip was hurting, a lot. With each step it felt as if someone jabbed an ice pick into the bone. I visited my doctor who said it was bursitis. No exam, just an opinion. She gave me an injection. I saw no improvement and the pain grew much worse, to the point that I was limping like the Festus character on the old TV western, Gunsmoke.

I convinced my doctor to send me to a specialist who ordered x-rays. Again, a diagnosis of, “I don’t see anything work. Take Ibuprofen. It’ll pass.”

Well, it became far worse. I didn’t want to walk because it hurt so bad. Another doctor visit. No luck. Another x-ray. Nothing wrong, they said.

Then we moved to Delaware. Another extremely stressful point in our already turbulent lives. We moved to be closer to our family.

As soon as our health insurance went into effect I visited a nurse practitioner at the University of Delaware. She ordered x-rays and, wait for it, she learned that there’s absolutely no cartilage in my hip joint. It’s bone on bone with three bone spurs wedged between. She said she couldn’t imagine me dealing for so long with the pain this caused. She sent me to a hip specialist. He agreed. A total hip replacement was the only solution

My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday, January 3rd. Again, no cartilage in the joint. It was impossible for even a non medical person to look at the x-rays and not see this. But that’s the care we received from Kaiser Permanente in California. I must say, it was the worst I’ve ever seen. Denene, too, and she’d know since she been in the medical field her entire adult life, including managing hospital labs, teaching at medical universities, contributing to medical textbooks, and running clinical trials for drugs she and her teams developed that are now on the market.

The Move

As a result of our move to Delaware, Denene left a job she absolutely loved. So switching was a difficult choice to make. And there was the whole moving thing where it’s inevitable that belongings are lost or destroyed. Along with a move comes the stress of finding a house to purchase, selling the old home, and so on. We were lucky to have sold our sold our California home extremely quick and I credit that to a wonderful and extremely efficient Realtor, Phyllis Ballew, with Berkshire Hathaway. We found a really nice home here in Delaware, a place that’s in a state of chaos right now due to a large remodel project that includes a complete custom master bathroom re-do.

The contractor we selected for the bathroom job, after a serious search (we’re picky), is Delaware contractor R.A. (Ron) Barker. He and his crew are wonderfully meticulous down to the finest detail. Since I’m just hours away from hip surgery, having a new bathroom is essential. I think they’ll have it completed just in time. It’s a large space that required a ton of work and they’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate us. The room isn’t finished but already looks amazing.

Since I’m barely able to walk from one room to the other (I rely on a can I’ve named Virgil. Get it? Virgil Cane?) it’s practically killing me to not do some of the work myself. But it is what it is.

The Gratitude

I’ve shared all of this to express my deepest gratitude to each of you for the support you’ve shown for me and my family over the past several months. It’s been a tough year and I don’t know what we’d have done without your generosity and kindness. Believe me, I cherish your friendship.

You guys are the best and wish you all an extremely Happy New Year.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

 

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American Beauty: Happy 4th of July!

“She stands in the harbor in the city of dreams
American beauty
Prettiest face I’ve ever seen
American beauty.

And she holds a torch and she won’t let go
I love her with all my heart and soul
I’d give my life to keep her free
American beauty, American beauty
American beauty, American beauty”

~ The Oak Ridge Boys

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The Secret Meeting That Just Changed Your Life

 

Earlier today, at approximately 2 a.m. EST, in a top secret meeting attended by judges, politicians, police chiefs and sheriffs from across the country, it was decided that…

  1. All police officers will be provided designated safe spaces where they may go when things get tough on the streets. Criminals, rock- and bottle-throwers, protestors, politicians, and other cop-haters may not enter these safe areas. It was also ordered that no crimes may be committed while officers are in their safe spaces. This is a lawful “timeout.”
  2. Since bad guys are no longer intimidated by an officer’s sidearm, starting today all police officers will replace the firearms in their holsters with boxes of chalk. Then, when facing deadly encounters with violent people the officer will quickly unholster a stick of chalk and quickly write #Trump2016 on the pavement. It is believed that since the phrase causes college students to fear for their lives the tactic should easily work on armed crooks as well.
  3. An early morning protest outside the official meeting place quickly turned violent when members of the ME,ME,ME Lives Matter group began arguing amongst themselves over which member should toss the first rock at police guarding the perimeter.
  4. Starting in 2017, police will no longer have the authority to arrest humans. Instead, they will be required to stand still while receiving punches, kicks, and incoming rounds from mostly illegal firearms. To make it easier for citizens to land a strike, each officer’s uniform will be outfitted with a bright red bulls eye (removable for easy cleanup). Patrol cars are also required to feature a bulls eye on each car door.
  5. Beginning immediately, it is mandatory that officers be shot at least 18 times before they’re allowed to draw their weapons. Even then, they may not return fire until first determining that suspects are at least 21 years of age, they are not in the process of “turning their lives around,” and that they are not suffering from “I hate all cops syndrome.” If either of these conditions exists the officer must stand perfectly still to provide a better target for the shooter. A late-added addendum to the new rule also states that officers may not return fire if a family member says the shooter is a “good person.”
  6. A new law going into effect July 1st replaces criminal trials and parole and police review boards with Facebook comments. In lieu of jury proceedings, Facebook commenters will then decide the fates of all accused criminals. Therefore, the list of people who no longer have to worry about going to prison includes, attractive people, people who’ve posed for photos while wearing a cap and gown, anyone who shoots a cop, and anyone and everyone who posts puppy photos on Facebook. People who will go to prison by default—cops, politicians, and people who don’t agree with someone’s posts.
  7. Traffic tickets and arrest warrants will totally disappear in the fall of 2016. Social media has declared them as “unfair” because people simply don’t like to be bothered with obeying stupid laws, such as reckless driving and murder. Texting while driving will then become mandatory for all drivers, especially teens. Everyone is required to text at least twice while driving on the freeway at 80mph.
  8. It was decided that police may no longer patrol high crime areas so as to not hurt the feelings of criminals who rape, rob, steal, and kill in those sections of towns. Gang members have been called on to enforce the laws those neighborhoods and business districts.
  9. All CVS pharmacies are required to self-destruct every three years to prevent protestors from scalding their hands when attempting to burn those businesses to the ground.
  10. Each major city is now required to pass out fresh rocks and bottles during active protests. Official rock and bottle forepersons are to inspect and certify each projectile for “ease of toss.” The federal government has established a new 12,000 person department to oversee city rock and bottle deployments. The new Rock and Bottle Czar says their agents will be available to assist municipalities, if needed. There’s also a federal grant available to aid in the purchase of additional handouts, such as bandanas, ski masks, pawn shop guns, and forklifts to make overturning police cars a bit easier. They even have government-trained protestors on standby should a group’s attendance be low at any given time. Trophies will be handed out to all participants.
  11. Police officers are to receive mandatory “Stand Down” training where they’ll learn to suck in their emotions when they’re not allowed to do their jobs while people break the law. Included in this law is the termination of TASER and pepper spray use by police (because they sting and they offend Facebook people), frowns, loud voices, humming the COPS theme song, and looking at people when driving by in a patrol car.
  12. A shocking ruling takes effect on September 1, 2017, requiring that prisons release all inmates back into society. Then, all law abiding citizens are to immediately take up residence in the newly vacated prisons. This will free up a ton of space in the prisons because there are fewer people in the U.S. who’ve never broken a law than those who have. Yet, many of these people (those who’ve broken a law or two but were not caught) are quick to judge those who were caught. You know who you are, you stealers of paper clips and ink pens, and joint smokers. Released prisoners will then be free to destroy the country at will while the new prison residents enjoy the delicious food and comfortable accommodations they’ve bitched about inmates having for so many years. I think there’ll be quite a few minds changed within the first week, or less.

So there you have it. Are you ready for the changes? By the way, this post is entirely tongue-in-cheek. Please don’t turn it into a forum for cop-bashing, politics, gun control, race, or religion, etc. Please… I merely used a few actual news stories as a basis for the post.

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Later this afternoon, right here on this very blog, I plan to reveal something that’s absolutely cool. The timing is perfect, too, because sometime today, if things continue as they are, this site will have reached a whopping 4 million visitors from all across the world!

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Today is Friday, the day when I typically honor the officers who died in the line of duty during the week. However, since today is April Fools Day I didn’t think the jovial nature of the day would be an appropriate atmosphere for such a solemn post. Until tomorrow, please keep the families of the fallen officers in your minds and hearts.

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Easter Egg Hunt at Young’s Dairy

Easter egg hunt at Young's dairy

Each year, workers at Young’s Dairy in Yellow Springs, Ohio clear the golf balls from their driving range in order to host the annual Easter egg hunt. The event is free, fun, and exciting for the kids who participate. After the hundreds of scattered eggs have been found, everyone can then enjoy homemade ice cream, the petting zoo, putt-putt golf, batting cages, or a quiet stroll around the grounds.

By the way, the little fellow with the full basket above isn’t so little anymore. He’s now the Ohio State Judo Champion in his division. He’s also our grandson, Tyler.

In addition to training and traveling to tournaments and matches, Tyler writes an interesting and often thought-provoking blog. It’s a look at the world through the eyes of a teen. You might enjoy reading an article or two, and you can do so by clicking HERE.

 

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Christmas Day With The Loflands…at the beach, again

Christmas day with the Loflands

We have a standing Christmas Day tradition—a trip to the beach. So, after presents, a hearty breakfast, twice-checking whatever lists need to be examined, we head out for the coast (which coast, of course, depends upon where we may be living at the time). This year we’re back on the West Coast, and our 2014 beach du jour was Dillon Beach, a few minutes south of Bodega Bay. The journey to the sea was a very brief but scenic excursion through the winding roads and hills of wine country.

So, without further ado, this is the scenery in our neck of the woods. It wasn’t a white Christmas (I do not like snow), but it certainly was gorgeous.

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Hey, it’s not my “fault.”

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crop cows

Himalayan Cattle. Yes, those cows do indeed have bangs. A closer look and you’d swear, according to Denene, they look like Muppets.

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With Thanksgiving clearly out of the picture, this big guy (below) stepped out to great us as we drove into the seaside town of Dillon Beach.

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Denene, weary of all my stops to take photos, decided to take a photo of me taking a picture of the turkey.

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And then we arrived at the beach.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

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Here’s a quick video from the same location. Thought you might enjoy seeing and hearing the waves and sea breeze.

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The Oak Ridge Boys: Uncle Luther Made The Stuffin’

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

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Madam Zelda’s Top Ten 2014 Predictions

Top 2017 Predictions

Madam Zelda did a reading for us this morning and she’s confident 2014 will be a fantastic year. Here’s a list of her top ten predictions. Believe me, she’s always right.

1. Someone will record a song without the aid of autotune. It will not be Taylor Swift.

2. To help identify criminal suspects, police will begin to use reflections seen in photographs of the eyes of witnesses and victims.

3. 2014 will be the year of the whistleblower. Seeing that nothing happened to Edward Snowden, more people will come forward with secrets.

4. Justin Bieber will continue to be an annoying and immature brat.

5. Kanye will say something stupid.

7. Sometime during the year Christina Aguilera will wear a low-cut top and too much makeup.

8. The Duck Dynasty men will continue to grow their beards

9. Brittany Spears will lip-sync during her Vegas performances.

10. The 2014 Writers’ Police Academy will be the biggest and best ever.

So there you have it. Looks like a great year for all.

Happy New Year!

*Remember – Drive sober or get pulled over!

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