Archive for the ‘I’m Just Saying’ Category
Cops hear all sorts of wacky comments during the course of their careers. And they’d love to return a few snarky comments of their own. However, they hold their tongues (in most instances). But wouldn’t you love to hear what’s going through their minds when someone says…
1. It’s always nice to hear updates about friends and family members who are or were police officers, but to name-drop during a traffic stop is not all that impressive. Unless, of course, the name you’re dropping is your own and that you’re mother or spouse of the officer who pulled you over. That’s the only time you might see a favorable response, though. Therefore, Cousin Bertha, your signature goes right there.
2. Cops truly appreciate the fact that you pay taxes and that a miniscule amount of your hard-earned dollars go toward their salaries. However, they, too, pay taxes, which, by the way, pays for the roads you travel, the schools attended by your kids, along with a miniscule portion of their own salaries (does that mean cops are actually self-employed?). So thank you very much.
3. Thank you for screaming into my face that your uncle’s sister’s cousin on her daddy’s side of the family used to be the sheriff over in Doodlebop County. I wonder if he’d be impressed to learn that you’ve just beaten your wife and kids?
4. I know…you only had two beers. I also know those two beers were probably the chaser you consumed after gulping down an entire fifth of Jack Daniels. And don’t think I can’t see that bag of weed sticking out of your pants pocket, you dumbass.
5. You only stopped me because I’m white, green, black, blue, brown, or purple. That’s right, Sparky. The fact that you were driving 180 mph in a school zone had nothing to do with it. And, of course, my powerful x-ray vision allowed me to see through your nearly black (tinted) windows so I could zero in on your skin color. Sign here, please.
6. You’re gonna have my badge? Okay, here. Take it. Because I’m tired of dealing with assholes like you every day of my life.
7. You’ll see me someday when I’m not wearing my uniform… What does that mean? You want to fight me when I’m off duty? But I just saw you in the grocery store yesterday. Remember? You smiled and called me “sir” when you introduced me to the wife and kids. I did happen to notice your cart was pretty heavy, though, with all that beer. Perhaps you’ve been possessed and it’s King Budweiser who’s speaking through your lips right now.
8. But everyone else was speeding faster than you, you say? I know, but I’m like a lion. I pick the slowest and weakest in the herd. They’re much easier to catch.
9. Stop disrespecting you? Gee, you’re absolutely right. I should take you more seriously as you stand there drunk as a skunk with a big wet urine spot in the crotch of your pants while you so kindly spit in my face. The puke on the front of your shirt and your piece of crap car sitting in the middle of that nice lady’s living room definitely commands tons of respect. Now let’s go…“Sir.”
10. I’m sure you do know your rights, ma’am, but peeing in the back seat of my patrol car is not one of them.
Make no mistake about it, to serve time in state prison is no picnic. Inmates are confined in small spaces with some of the most dangerous people in the country—gang-bangers, murderers, robbers, etc. Prisoners often suffer violent assaults and brutal rapes. They’re sometimes beaten, cut, stabbed, and killed by other prisoners, and sometimes corrections officers and other staff members step over the line to deliver physical and mental abuse. So yes, prisoners have a tendency to become hardened…to the very core of their being.
We’ve all heard tales of prisoners fabricating weapons from almost anything they can get their hands, such as knives made from ink pens and swords or spears made from rolled and stiffened newspaper. But there’s one extremely deadly weapon you never hear about, and it, this life-threatening and brutal device, is the center of a California lawsuit. Warning, this gets ugly… (note the intense level of sarcasm).
A prison inmate who’s serving time at the state prison in Vacaville, California has filed a lawsuit in state court claiming he was the victim of a rubber band assault on Nov. 9, 2012. The prisoner, Michael Aaron Witkin, states in his affidavit that a prison librarian launched at least 10 rubber bands at him while he was inside the library. His claim went on to state that she (the librarian) even giggled almost uncontrollably during her “vicious” rubber band attack. Finally, Witkin said the rubber bands were large and could leave a painful sting. Poor baby…
*A quick search discovered a Michael Aaron Witkin who’s serving time at the Solano State Prison in Vacaville. This Michael Witkins was previously arrested for attempted murder (shooting a woman several times), pistol whipping another individual, resisting arrest, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, robbery, and illegal possession of hydrocodone and marijuana.
Since the aforementioned Michael Witkins is the only Michael Witkins listed as serving time in the Vacaville prison, well, it might be okay to assume this is the same Michael Witkin who filed the previously mentioned lawsuit. If so, I’m quite certain his victims would have preferred that he’d used rubber bands instead of an actual gun during his assault on them.