Twenty Excuses That Make Cops Say, “Hmm….”

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Any cop will tell you that just when they think they’ve heard it all, well, along comes another excuse that tops all the rest. Here’s how some people justified their illegal activities. All I can say is, “Hmm…

1. “Why am I driving naked, Officer? Well…all my clothes are dirty so I was going to my friend’s house to borrow something to wear to work. And I was speeding because it’s cold and the heat’s not working. No seat belt? You noticed that, huh? Can’t wear the things because the material causes my skin to break out. Why is there a gun on the seat? Isn’t that obvious, sir? I don’t have any pockets available at the moment. Duh… I thought you guys were supposed to be trained observers.”

2. “Please don’t give me a ticket. I didn’t slow down for the red light because I just got new brakes on my car—they were expensive, too—and I didn’t want to wear them out already. Geez, you being a cop and all, I thought you’d understand that sort of thing. Don’t they teach you about this stuff in the police academy? A little common sense. That’s all I’m asking for here.”

3. “I had to steal that stuff, Officer. How else was I going to get enough money to pay my court fees and child support? I certainly didn’t want to go to jail.”

4. “Because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s why I was driving 95 in a 55. You don’t believe me, then look.” The wet spot on her jeans verified her claim. She still received the ticket.

5. “I threw a football and it landed on the roof of that store, officer. Honest. And when I climbed up there to get it I fell through that hole you see. The bag of burglary tools? I guess they were already up there. Must’ve fallen through when I did.”

6. “It’s not my car. That’s why I was driving so fast. The pedals are different, or something.”

7. “What? No way! I’ve got you this time. You can’t give me a speeding ticket because I don’t have a driver’s license. Joke’s on you, officer.”

8. “I must’ve fallen asleep inside the store just before they closed. The safe? No, I wasn’t trying to steal it. The door was locked so I used it to break the glass so I could get out, not in. See, I’m claustrophobic. No way I could stay in that place all night. The money. That’s mine. I had it when I went in the store. Yep, all $2,000. Every penny of it. No, I’m between jobs right now.  No, I don’t have an address. Well, not exactly. Yeah, the Union Mission over on 123rd. But only until I get a place of my own.”

9. “Yes, I have a doctor’s note, just not with me. Right, it authorizes me to NOT wear a seat belt because it pinches the skin around my nipple rings.”

10. “I was driving that fast, officer, because I’d had WAY too much to drink and I wanted to get home before I got sick. You wouldn’t want me to puke in your car, right?”

11. “I didn’t mean to shoot him, officer. I was aiming for someone else.”

12. “She’s my wife and I’ll beat her if I want to. Ain’t no law against that, now is there?”

13. “‘Cause he needed killin’. That’ why I done it.”

14. “I stole her TV because she didn’t give me none of her tax refund money.”

15. “How did I cut my hand? Not by breaking the window at the auto parts store. Oh, you didn’t mention that place, did you? I guess you got me.”

16. “I couldn’t have made those obscene phone calls because I don’t own a phone. The one in my pocket? That’s my sister’s phone and she don’t allow me to use it.

17. “I didn’t rob this store because I didn’t know it was here until I got here.”

18. “I was speeding because the needle was on E and I was trying to get to a store in a hurry before I ran out of gas.”

19. “Yeah, I robbed him. He stole my dope so I took his money.”

20. “He was already dead when I killed him.”

And that’s only twenty. The list is practically endless.

  • Bonus response. “No, I weren’t peeping in her window. My pants? I was taking a shortcut through the lady’s yard and they fell down, so I took ’em off. I was next to her window ’cause I wanted to ask her if she had a belt I borrow.”

 

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Ollie the Old Man

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I recently had the pleasure of meeting an interesting fellow, a man I’ll call Ollie.

Ollie is short and stout and wears his pants with the waistband pulled to just above his portly belly where he cinches them tightly with an old and well-worn brown belt. He wears white socks, and black dress shoes shined to a glossy finish.

Most of my new friend’s hair left him some time ago, with the remainder circling the lower portion of his head like a wooly, gray inflatable pool float. Three or four rebellious sprigs of delicate hair, however, clung to the top of his slick sunburned scalp much as we’d expect palm trees on a tiny deserted island would appear to passing sea birds—sprouting up willy-nilly to sway in the breezes.

Ollie’s hands are liver-spotted and his achy and arthritic joints bring about groans and moans when he stands, sits, walks, or does anything that requires a moving body part. His knees pop and creak and a few of his teeth aren’t original equipment. His eyes are weak and rheumy and their lids droop a bit. Dark bags beneath his eyes hang there like pieces of overripe fruit.

He’s an educated man who’s well-spoken and enjoys spirited conversation and tale-telling.

He has a persistent phlegmy cough. There’s an open pack of non-filtered cigarettes in his shirt pocket.

With our howdy-do’s and a glad-to-meet-you behind us, we sat for a while discussing current events. But Ollie tended to drift back to earlier times, the days that seemed to bring him extreme joy and peace.

I listened with great interest as Ollie talked about the good old days, when his family used rotary telephones and watched television when thirteen channels were on the dial but the set only picked up five or six, and maybe seven, and that’s if the night was clear and the roof-mounted antennae was pointed just so. If not, he told me, you’d turn the dial on “the box” and watch and listen as it clicked the antennae into a new, better-suited position. Of course, the antennae almost always went past the optimal spot so you had to “click it’ back a few degrees in the opposite direction to bring Steamboat Willy or Walt Disney into focus.

Ollie told me about earning less than three-dollars an hour, and gas prices were under fifty-cents. Hot dogs at the drug store cost a quarter, fully loaded—coleslaw, mustard, and chili—and ice cream cones were ten cents per scoop. Comic books were also ten cents but rose to twelve, and when they did DC Comics posted a notice explaining to kids that the cost of everything had increased, including the price of soft drinks and those delicious hot dogs.

He reminisced about the days when JFK, MLK, John Lennon, and Elvis died. Jimi and Janis, too. He took me back to Sammy, Frank, and Dean. Martin and Lewis. The Stooges. Streisand and The Supremes. Marilyn Monroe and Charlie Manson. When FM radio stations first arrived. Buddy Rich and John Bonham. The Cowsills, The Mamas and Papas, Paul Revere and the Raiders, The Beatles, The Stones, Chubby Checker, Little Richard, Chuck Berry, and Blueberry Hill. His first car, using the outhouse, the time before computers and cell phones and “White Only” waiting rooms in the doctor’s office.

Finally, after many minutes had passed, with me not saying a single word, Ollie said, “Man, this really took me back, and I didn’t let you get a word in. Not one.”

“That’s all right, Ollie. I enjoyed listening,” I said.

Ollie stood to leave and as he did his knees popped. Then his brow creased into a deep “V” and he clinched his jaw. He placed a hand over his beachball-size gut and used the other to cover his mouth, stifling a burp that inflated both cheeks. “Sorry about that,” he said. “My doctor says I have acid reflux. Can’t eat a thing without belching for the next couple of hours. I’m lactose intolerant too. So don’t get me started on what dairy does to me. I’ll just say this…be glad I had the burritos without cheese. I passed on the sour cream as well.”

He groaned and moaned and grimaced and winced when he reached for his hat, and then more of the same when he straightened his back to once again stand upright.

Ollie placed the old porkpie on his head and after griping a bit about his sciatica, he said, “And then there’s the gout, a past-due hip replacement, two blown knees, rheumatoid arthritis, a hernia, high blood pressure, joint degeneration, I’m allergic to gluten, pet dander, dust, pollen, strawberries, and nuts. My eyesight is in the toilet and I wear a hearing aid when I remember to do so. I’ve had several cancerous moles removed and my sugar’s through the roof. My last colonoscopy showed “something” and I’m supposed to walk at least a mile each day because the old ticker’s been acting up.”

This pitiful and obviously unhealthy man, my brand new friend, took a deep breath and let it back out in the form of sad sigh accompanied by a slow side-to-side head shake. “And I can’t remember the last time when the wife and I…well, you know. The plumbing is out of order more times than not, so we stopped trying.”

He used one hand to adjust the position of his hat and the other to shake my hand. I again told him how much I enjoyed our conversation and listening to his tales of way back when.

Ollie placed a hand on my shoulder as we walked to his car. Then he stopped and turned to face me. “Someday you’ll understand, and you’ll do the same—tell the story of your own good old days. But you have a ways to go before you reach my age, so enjoy life while you can and while you’re able to,” he said.  His lips split into a toothy (some his and some store-bought) grin. “Yep, one day you’ll be as old as I am and you’ll experience the same troubles.”

I looked on as Ollie groaned and moaned and grunted while sliding and pushing his way into the car seat. Finally, he switched on the ignition, gave the horn two quick toots, and drove away.

I smiled a smile of my own as he headed off toward the sunset. After all, I was already in elementary school the year Ollie was born. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him.

*This is a true story. The name was changed to protect the “youngster” who was merely ten-years-old when I was driving my very own car and working a steady job after school and on weekends. My job paid $1.68 per hour and the price of a gallon of gas was $.35. By the way, while Ollie was busy watching cartoons on TV, my after school job back then included installing rooftop TV antennas and those “clicking” boxes used to change their positions.

 

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The Future of Policing: Fuzzy Bunnies and Hashtags

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My name is Officer I.C. Nothing. The year is 2025 and I work patrol in Scaredtown, Ca. I was sworn in back in the fall of 2020 and attended the police academy soon thereafter. Part of our academy studies included a brief history of policing, and let me tell you the things we learned were eye-opening to say the least. The biggest shocker was that officers actually carried real guns back in earlier times. They were also required to exercise, learn defensive tactics and handcuffing techniques, and how to drive during something called a pursuit. I ask you, how cavemanish was that?

Our academy training is much different. We spend the majority of our time learning about things that offend people and how to avoid doing those things. After all, they pay our salaries, play golf with our bosses, and they definitely know their rights and the laws far better than we do. I understand that’s been the case for a long, long time.

We trained to avoid high crime areas and placing ourselves in situations where criminals are typically located. Sensitivity training and safe space development are also part of our studies. We learned effective and delicate letter writing (more on this below) and how to use our happy voices when answering the phone. Here a list of other required academy courses.

  1. How to Make Celebrities and Politicians Hate You More Than They already Do
  2. Looking the Other Way 101
  3. Absorbing Punches and Kicks
  4. Smiling While Bleeding
  5. Rock Dodging
  6. You’re on Your Own
  7. The Law According to Facebook
  8. Method Acting – Improving Your On-Camera Persona
  9. History of Hashtags
  10. Target Shooting – Poses and Stances to Improve a Criminal’s Chances of Hitting You

Today, the only people who carry firearms are criminals. In fact, we abandoned all weapons and uses of force many years ago. Actually, I can’t remember the last time any of us put our hands on anyone for any reason. The Supreme Court put a stop to that nonsense, ruling it unconstitutional for law enforcement officers to touch or intimidate private citizens (we’re called law suggestion officers now, by the way). That ruling stemmed from a case involving a group of college students who filed a lawsuit against a department in California after a campus police officer approached and attempted to shake the hand of the president of the Association of Student Safe Spaces. The highly controversial incident took place following a meeting where it was decided that students would no longer be required to attend classes, study, or gain knowledge of any type to receive diplomas. It was deemed that learning new things and information about the present and past are highly offensive.

According to witnesses, the student president recoiled in horror after seeing the officer’s outstretched hand. His attorneys, Stickem, Gougem, and Sue’em, convinced the court that their client, Mr. I. Wanna Trophy, Jr., was the victim of an atrocious and violent act and that the officer’s inappropriate attempt to use his right hand to contact the hand of Mr. Trophy caused immediate and lifelong mental anguish to each of the students present at the meeting. In short, they each honestly believed they were going to die right then and there.

Well, this was the snowball that started the avalanche of similar lawsuits all across the country. As a result of Trophy v. Everybody Passes University (EPU) of California, law enforcement officers were immediately stripped of all weapons, patches, guns, pepper sprays, handcuffs, and any other objects that could be seen as offensive or harmful to the feelings of citizens. Aggressive police K-9’s were taken out of service and were replaced by adorable puppies and kittens. Some agencies opted for fuzzy bunnies and Silkie guinea pigs.

Patrol cars were replaced with passenger vans to allow members of police review boards to ride along at all times. It’s mandatory that members of those boards be from the groups #ihatecops, #policearescum, and #Fthepo-po.

Our main function is to stand outside of meeting places (we’re not allowed to go inside) and say, “There, there. It’ll be okay,” when people file out after listening to speakers talk about the latest things that should deeply offend them. I saw a brochure at my last assignment that listed a few of the recent things that offend.

  1. Foot race. It’s hurtful to hear someone address the race of your feet.
  2. College orientation. You do not have to listen to rules and regulations. Besides, it’s your choice as to whether or not you want to be oriented.
  3. Happy Meals. No one has the right to tell you that your meal is happy. If you want a sad meal, then so be it.
  4. The month of May. Yes, you MAY do whatever you want. Calendars should never be in a position to tell you when to do anything.
  5. Lines painted on the highway. They’re too divisive. People should be allowed to drive on whichever side of the road they choose.
  6. Air. People should keep their own air in their own personal space. It’s scary when your air comes into my space.
  7. People who are offended by offended people. Yes, they are offensive.

In addition to “There, There” duty we are sometimes required to interact with dangerous criminals. However, the law states that we must conduct all business of this nature by email, and the first step is to send a nice, friendly message such as this one I sent to a man who used a can of peas to bludgeon his wife and three neighbors.

Dear Mr. Brainbasher,

The Scaredtown Police Department humbly and respectfully sends this message to advise you that we recently learned of the beating death of your loving wife of 25 years, and your good friends the Cuposugar family. We sincerely hope this letter does not offend you, but we are required by law to ask that you not kill anyone in the future. You’ve exceeded your limit with this one incident; therefore, should a second murder occur we will have no choice but to send you another letter, which may be slightly more strongly-worded, depending upon the circumstances. In the meantime, please watch for a package from us that should arrive within the next five business days. It’s a new puppy. We hope you enjoy your new buddy. His name is Didntdoit. Like you, he’s a good boy.

Sincerely, 

Your friend, Officer I. C. Nothing

So, that about sums up policing in the year 2025. Please stay safe, and I apologize if this article offended you. I’m also sorry if my apology was offensive.

Have a good day, if you want to. If not, we could send you an official puppy, kitten, bunny, or guinea pig. By the way, they’re trained to be neutral so as to not hurt your feelings.

Finally, here’s a song we adopted as our official training academy theme song. I think these guys were on to something…

 

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The Secret Meeting That Just Changed Your Life

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Earlier today, at approximately 2 a.m. EST, in a top secret meeting attended by judges, politicians, police chiefs and sheriffs from across the country, it was decided that…

  1. All police officers will be provided designated safe spaces where they may go when things get tough on the streets. Criminals, rock- and bottle-throwers, protestors, politicians, and other cop-haters may not enter these safe areas. It was also ordered that no crimes may be committed while officers are in their safe spaces. This is a lawful “timeout.”
  2. Since bad guys are no longer intimidated by an officer’s sidearm, starting today all police officers will replace the firearms in their holsters with boxes of chalk. Then, when facing deadly encounters with violent people the officer will quickly unholster a stick of chalk and quickly write #Trump2016 on the pavement. It is believed that since the phrase causes college students to fear for their lives the tactic should easily work on armed crooks as well.
  3. An early morning protest outside the official meeting place quickly turned violent when members of the ME,ME,ME Lives Matter group began arguing amongst themselves over which member should toss the first rock at police guarding the perimeter.
  4. Starting in 2017, police will no longer have the authority to arrest humans. Instead, they will be required to stand still while receiving punches, kicks, and incoming rounds from mostly illegal firearms. To make it easier for citizens to land a strike, each officer’s uniform will be outfitted with a bright red bulls eye (removable for easy cleanup). Patrol cars are also required to feature a bulls eye on each car door.
  5. Beginning immediately, it is mandatory that officers be shot at least 18 times before they’re allowed to draw their weapons. Even then, they may not return fire until first determining that suspects are at least 21 years of age, they are not in the process of “turning their lives around,” and that they are not suffering from “I hate all cops syndrome.” If either of these conditions exists the officer must stand perfectly still to provide a better target for the shooter. A late-added addendum to the new rule also states that officers may not return fire if a family member says the shooter is a “good person.”
  6. A new law going into effect July 1st replaces criminal trials and parole and police review boards with Facebook comments. In lieu of jury proceedings, Facebook commenters will then decide the fates of all accused criminals. Therefore, the list of people who no longer have to worry about going to prison includes, attractive people, people who’ve posed for photos while wearing a cap and gown, anyone who shoots a cop, and anyone and everyone who posts puppy photos on Facebook. People who will go to prison by default—cops, politicians, and people who don’t agree with someone’s posts.
  7. Traffic tickets and arrest warrants will totally disappear in the fall of 2016. Social media has declared them as “unfair” because people simply don’t like to be bothered with obeying stupid laws, such as reckless driving and murder. Texting while driving will then become mandatory for all drivers, especially teens. Everyone is required to text at least twice while driving on the freeway at 80mph.
  8. It was decided that police may no longer patrol high crime areas so as to not hurt the feelings of criminals who rape, rob, steal, and kill in those sections of towns. Gang members have been called on to enforce the laws those neighborhoods and business districts.
  9. All CVS pharmacies are required to self-destruct every three years to prevent protestors from scalding their hands when attempting to burn those businesses to the ground.
  10. Each major city is now required to pass out fresh rocks and bottles during active protests. Official rock and bottle forepersons are to inspect and certify each projectile for “ease of toss.” The federal government has established a new 12,000 person department to oversee city rock and bottle deployments. The new Rock and Bottle Czar says their agents will be available to assist municipalities, if needed. There’s also a federal grant available to aid in the purchase of additional handouts, such as bandanas, ski masks, pawn shop guns, and forklifts to make overturning police cars a bit easier. They even have government-trained protestors on standby should a group’s attendance be low at any given time. Trophies will be handed out to all participants.
  11. Police officers are to receive mandatory “Stand Down” training where they’ll learn to suck in their emotions when they’re not allowed to do their jobs while people break the law. Included in this law is the termination of TASER and pepper spray use by police (because they sting and they offend Facebook people), frowns, loud voices, humming the COPS theme song, and looking at people when driving by in a patrol car.
  12. A shocking ruling takes effect on September 1, 2017, requiring that prisons release all inmates back into society. Then, all law abiding citizens are to immediately take up residence in the newly vacated prisons. This will free up a ton of space in the prisons because there are fewer people in the U.S. who’ve never broken a law than those who have. Yet, many of these people (those who’ve broken a law or two but were not caught) are quick to judge those who were caught. You know who you are, you stealers of paper clips and ink pens, and joint smokers. Released prisoners will then be free to destroy the country at will while the new prison residents enjoy the delicious food and comfortable accommodations they’ve bitched about inmates having for so many years. I think there’ll be quite a few minds changed within the first week, or less.

So there you have it. Are you ready for the changes? By the way, this post is entirely tongue-in-cheek. Please don’t turn it into a forum for cop-bashing, politics, gun control, race, or religion, etc. Please… I merely used a few actual news stories as a basis for the post.

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Later this afternoon, right here on this very blog, I plan to reveal something that’s absolutely cool. The timing is perfect, too, because sometime today, if things continue as they are, this site will have reached a whopping 4 million visitors from all across the world!

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Today is Friday, the day when I typically honor the officers who died in the line of duty during the week. However, since today is April Fools Day I didn’t think the jovial nature of the day would be an appropriate atmosphere for such a solemn post. Until tomorrow, please keep the families of the fallen officers in your minds and hearts.

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