Madam Zelda’s Top Twelve 2017 Predictions

In keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us this morning and she’s confident 2017 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top twelve predictions. Believe me, she’s always right.

  1. Someone accidentally plays a Kayne West song in reverse and hears the star say admit, “I can’t sing. Not a word. Not a note. Nope, can’t carry a tune, not even in a bucket.”
  2. Universities rush to create safe spaces for students traumatized by what they’ve seen and heard in other safe spaces (yes, coloring books, Play Dough, and tiny ponies can be scary).
  3. The Dictionary Police meet and officially ban the words, Bigly, Electoral College, Candidate, Fake News, Swamp, Email, Russia, Comey, Hacking, Polling, Weiner, and “War On …” (War on Drugs, War on Christmas, etc.).
  4. The U.S. wisely eliminates all elections. Future spots are to be filled by the winners of Rock, Paper, Scissors competitions. All decisions will be final. No recounts, lawsuits, or hacking attempts allowed. NO campaigning!!
  5. The Electoral College closes its doors and the entire campus is razed to make room for a trendy new Filibuster hamburger joint.
  6. California will do something stupid.
  7. The news media is shocked to learn that news is something that actually happens, not the fantasy or agenda that lives inside the minds of some “reporters.”
  8. Doctors discover a cure for social media.
  9. Rumor has it that someone could/might actually perform a country song at the 2017 Country Music Awards. This one is a stretch and probably will not happen.
  10. Amazon’s Alexa is set to become the first all-electronic mayor of a major U.S. city. She’s definitely qualified because her standard answer to tough questions is, “Hmm, I can’t find the answer to the question I heard.”
  11. A criminal will break the law and someone will be shocked that he did, and that someone will start a movement to ban whatever it was the criminal did even though there are 2 Tatrilliongazillion laws already on the books that … here it comes … already forbid the act.
  12. The 2017 Writers’ Police Academy is the biggest and best event we’ve ever produced! The lineup is over the moon exciting! And the keynote and special guest speakers … well, you asked and we delivered. But we’re keeping those details under wraps for now. A clue? Okay, here goes—TV series (plural), lots of bestselling books, actor, top expert, funny, rural, urban, tall, shorter, TV personality, and that’s enough for now. Besides, you’ve already guessed their names, right? No? Oh, I’m sorry, did I not mention the clue list was a combination of three people?

Anyway, I hope each of you finds the new year packed to the brim with good things for you and yours.

Happy New Year!

*By the way, January 2017 marks the 9th anniversary of this blog. It’s hard to believe nine years has passed by since the day I first gave blogging a try as a compliment to my book on police procedure. 2017 is also the 9th anniversary of the Writers’ Police Academy. Thanks so much for sticking with me all these years!

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The Twelve Nights Of Graveyard

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The Twelve Nights Of Graveyard

On the first night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the second night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, two ghetto whores and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the third night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the fourth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

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On the fifth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the sixth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, six drunks a-peeing,  five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the seventh night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, seven robbers running, six drunks a-peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the eighth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, eight maids embezzling, seven robbers running, six drunks a-peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the ninth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, nine ladies fighting, eight maids embezzling, seven robbers running, six drunks a peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the tenth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, ten perverts peeping, nine ladies fighting, eight maids embezzling, seven robbers running, six drunks a-peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

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On the eleventh night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, eleven crackheads stealing, ten perverts peeping, nine ladies fighting, eight maids embezzling, seven robbers running, six drunks a-peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge and a cuff key.

On the twelfth night of graveyard my sergeant gave to me, twelve hours of overtime, eleven crackheads stealing, ten perverts peeping, nine ladies fighting, eight maids embezzling, seven robbers running, six drunks a-peeing, five…cans…of…pepperspray, four calls from wackos, three stinky winos, two ghetto whores, and a cartridge…and…a…cuff…keeey.

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The Colors of Independence: Happy 4th of July!

Red as the bloodshed, blue as the wounded, white as the crosses on our soldier’s graves. Through the rain, through the sun, these colors never run. ~ The Oak Ridge Boys

 

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The Secret Meeting That Just Changed Your Life

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Earlier today, at approximately 2 a.m. EST, in a top secret meeting attended by judges, politicians, police chiefs and sheriffs from across the country, it was decided that…

  1. All police officers will be provided designated safe spaces where they may go when things get tough on the streets. Criminals, rock- and bottle-throwers, protestors, politicians, and other cop-haters may not enter these safe areas. It was also ordered that no crimes may be committed while officers are in their safe spaces. This is a lawful “timeout.”
  2. Since bad guys are no longer intimidated by an officer’s sidearm, starting today all police officers will replace the firearms in their holsters with boxes of chalk. Then, when facing deadly encounters with violent people the officer will quickly unholster a stick of chalk and quickly write #Trump2016 on the pavement. It is believed that since the phrase causes college students to fear for their lives the tactic should easily work on armed crooks as well.
  3. An early morning protest outside the official meeting place quickly turned violent when members of the ME,ME,ME Lives Matter group began arguing amongst themselves over which member should toss the first rock at police guarding the perimeter.
  4. Starting in 2017, police will no longer have the authority to arrest humans. Instead, they will be required to stand still while receiving punches, kicks, and incoming rounds from mostly illegal firearms. To make it easier for citizens to land a strike, each officer’s uniform will be outfitted with a bright red bulls eye (removable for easy cleanup). Patrol cars are also required to feature a bulls eye on each car door.
  5. Beginning immediately, it is mandatory that officers be shot at least 18 times before they’re allowed to draw their weapons. Even then, they may not return fire until first determining that suspects are at least 21 years of age, they are not in the process of “turning their lives around,” and that they are not suffering from “I hate all cops syndrome.” If either of these conditions exists the officer must stand perfectly still to provide a better target for the shooter. A late-added addendum to the new rule also states that officers may not return fire if a family member says the shooter is a “good person.”
  6. A new law going into effect July 1st replaces criminal trials and parole and police review boards with Facebook comments. In lieu of jury proceedings, Facebook commenters will then decide the fates of all accused criminals. Therefore, the list of people who no longer have to worry about going to prison includes, attractive people, people who’ve posed for photos while wearing a cap and gown, anyone who shoots a cop, and anyone and everyone who posts puppy photos on Facebook. People who will go to prison by default—cops, politicians, and people who don’t agree with someone’s posts.
  7. Traffic tickets and arrest warrants will totally disappear in the fall of 2016. Social media has declared them as “unfair” because people simply don’t like to be bothered with obeying stupid laws, such as reckless driving and murder. Texting while driving will then become mandatory for all drivers, especially teens. Everyone is required to text at least twice while driving on the freeway at 80mph.
  8. It was decided that police may no longer patrol high crime areas so as to not hurt the feelings of criminals who rape, rob, steal, and kill in those sections of towns. Gang members have been called on to enforce the laws those neighborhoods and business districts.
  9. All CVS pharmacies are required to self-destruct every three years to prevent protestors from scalding their hands when attempting to burn those businesses to the ground.
  10. Each major city is now required to pass out fresh rocks and bottles during active protests. Official rock and bottle forepersons are to inspect and certify each projectile for “ease of toss.” The federal government has established a new 12,000 person department to oversee city rock and bottle deployments. The new Rock and Bottle Czar says their agents will be available to assist municipalities, if needed. There’s also a federal grant available to aid in the purchase of additional handouts, such as bandanas, ski masks, pawn shop guns, and forklifts to make overturning police cars a bit easier. They even have government-trained protestors on standby should a group’s attendance be low at any given time. Trophies will be handed out to all participants.
  11. Police officers are to receive mandatory “Stand Down” training where they’ll learn to suck in their emotions when they’re not allowed to do their jobs while people break the law. Included in this law is the termination of TASER and pepper spray use by police (because they sting and they offend Facebook people), frowns, loud voices, humming the COPS theme song, and looking at people when driving by in a patrol car.
  12. A shocking ruling takes effect on September 1, 2017, requiring that prisons release all inmates back into society. Then, all law abiding citizens are to immediately take up residence in the newly vacated prisons. This will free up a ton of space in the prisons because there are fewer people in the U.S. who’ve never broken a law than those who have. Yet, many of these people (those who’ve broken a law or two but were not caught) are quick to judge those who were caught. You know who you are, you stealers of paper clips and ink pens, and joint smokers. Released prisoners will then be free to destroy the country at will while the new prison residents enjoy the delicious food and comfortable accommodations they’ve bitched about inmates having for so many years. I think there’ll be quite a few minds changed within the first week, or less.

So there you have it. Are you ready for the changes? By the way, this post is entirely tongue-in-cheek. Please don’t turn it into a forum for cop-bashing, politics, gun control, race, or religion, etc. Please… I merely used a few actual news stories as a basis for the post.

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Later this afternoon, right here on this very blog, I plan to reveal something that’s absolutely cool. The timing is perfect, too, because sometime today, if things continue as they are, this site will have reached a whopping 4 million visitors from all across the world!

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Today is Friday, the day when I typically honor the officers who died in the line of duty during the week. However, since today is April Fools Day I didn’t think the jovial nature of the day would be an appropriate atmosphere for such a solemn post. Until tomorrow, please keep the families of the fallen officers in your minds and hearts.

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Easter Egg Hunt at Young’s Dairy

Each year, workers at Young’s Dairy in Yellow Springs, Ohio clear the golf balls from their driving range in order to host the annual Easter egg hunt. The event is free, fun, and exciting for the kids who participate. After the hundreds of scattered eggs have been found, everyone can then enjoy homemade ice cream, the petting zoo, putt-putt golf, batting cages, or a quiet stroll around the grounds.

By the way, the little fellow with the full basket above isn’t so little anymore. He’s now the Ohio State Judo Champion in his division. He’s also our grandson, Tyler.

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In addition to training and traveling to tournaments and matches, Tyler writes an interesting and often thought-provoking blog. It’s a look at the world through the eyes of a teen. You might enjoy reading an article or two, and you can do so by clicking HERE.

 

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